


Remember the Red

by J_33



Category: Captain America, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Fluff, Hurt, Other, Pain, Red Room, Stevetasha - Freeform, romangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-16
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-04 19:37:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 13,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1084924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_33/pseuds/J_33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be a easy mission. Get in, eliminate the target and get out.  But things are never easy when they involved Natasha Romanov, Steve Rogers and the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The beginning

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic ever, so I hope you enjoy it.

Pain, that was all she felt. Lots and lots if pain. She opened her eyes and everything was blurry. After blinking a few times her vision started to clear and that's when she noticed a bruised and battered Captain America sitting across from her. He wasn't exactly siting, he was restrained and she was too. The only thing keeping her alert was the fact that she knew where she was and who took her: The Red Room.

"Steve, wake up" yelled Natasha. 

She had to know that he was okay. He lifted his head and asked her what happened. 

"Nothing good that's for sure". 

Right on time two men with masks walked into the dimly lit room. They were big and tall with ripped muscles and tatoos. 

"Well look who it is; the great Black Widow". They said as they walked over to her. 

Sure Natasha was scared. The people who trained her were now trying to kill her. What a great way to start off the day, she thought to herself. 

"What do you want?"

"Well, you know what we want" said one if the bigger of the two men, while sliding his hand up her arm. 

"Leave her alone" Steve yelled. 

"Oh I guess Captain America is getting a little feisty." Said the smaller man, as he punched Natasha across the face. 

"Go to hell" spat Natasha despite the taste of blood in her mouth. 

"Why would we do that, we're already here" the man said with a grin. 

"I'll tell you what we want. We want information, but first we want you to pay and to remember." With that they left, but not without stating that they'd be back. 

"Listen to me Steve. These guys don't play around okay. So just sit tight and do what they want and one of us might get out of here alive". Natasha said, saying the last part under her breath. 

"Do you know these people?" Asked Steve. 

"Ya I used to work with them."


	2. Sting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter!!!!! Enjoy

There was fire, burning red fire and she could hear screams telling her to run. She thinks that they were her parents but she doesn't know. She got outside just in time before the house collapsed. She was only four. There was a man waiting outside and he told her to come with him, that everything would be okay. But it wasn't, it never was. 

Natasha was jolted out of that faint memory when someone entered the room. It was a different man this time. He was older, looked like a scientist. He started walking towards her with this weird look in his eyes. 

"Hi, I'm doctor hellosh and I'll be your doctor today" 

She remembered him, he was the one that gave her the serem, the one who tortured her for hours, making her believe that she was fighting for good, the one who made her the Black Widow. 

"Ah so you remember me. I knew you would, I just didn't think I'd ever see you again. You were my best patient though, so I won't be the one to complain." 

He started pulling something out of his pocket, it was a needle. Natasha knew what was in it. She remembered all the times it would be injected into her blood after a bad mission, after she screwed up. 

Natasha looked at Steve, and he looked back. She prayed that he wouldn't see the real monster she once was. She spent so long learning to trust again and trying to earn peoples trust. Ya she did a lot of bad in her life but she was trying to make amends, trying to clear the red of her ledger. Natasha knew that no matter what good she did, she would never be able to erase the bad but it could make things at least a little better. She felt the sting of the needle in her neck and then everything went black.

Her last sight was of Steve fighting against his binds, yelling at him to stop. If only he knew that even when the torture subsides, the pain never really does.


	3. Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy

When Natasha woke up she was still in the room and she could still see Steve; he was even more beat up then the last time. He must of fought back. The only difference was that she was on a long metal table strapped down with binds that Thor probably couldn't even break out of. 

The doctor was there again standing in front of her talking. He had so many tools and she didn't even know what half of them were. She didn't really know what he was saying, nor did she care but she just had one thought.

"Please don't make him watch" she said, ashamed of how weak her voice sounded. 

"Oh but Natasha, isn't that the fun of this." Said the doctor 

Natasha turned her head to look at Steve. She mouthed 'I'm sorry'. She never noticed it before but Steve was pretty attractive, and it wasn't just his good looks. He was really a good person inside and out, even to her. Natasha blamed all these thoughts on the drugs but she wasn't quite sure that was 100% true. 

She hoped that Steve would get out all right. He was a super soldier, irreplaceable. She was just some ex. Russian spy who got on shields radar in a bad way. An assassin trying to do some good with the life she never had control over. If she was gonna die here in the room that she was created in, whether it come now or how ever long it takes to kill her, she wanted to do one last good thing with her life's. She wanted Steve to get out, stop being Captain America for once in his life and just have a good life. Do whatever he wants to do, not what Shield does. Maybe go dancing, or draw, it didn't really matter. The least she could do was hope that he had a better life then the one that she never got.

"You're going to feel a slight pinch". Said the doctor. 

He pushed a button and all of a sudden she felt like a thousand, million needles were puncturing her insides and outs. Ya she's been electrocuted before, it's a good form of torture, but it was never at this rate. It probably would have killed a normal person. But Natasha Romanov was not a normal person. She sometimes wished she was. She wished that she could feel without fearing that one wrong move could cost her, her life. She wished that she could love without being compromised and lastly she wished that she could live without guilt but life isn't that easy is it? It never is.


	4. Fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Steve in this chapter :) enjoy

Steve felt so helpless. He was watching his partner get tortured, and he couldn't do anything but sit back and watch. He tried fighting, yelling but nothing worked. He knew that she had a shady past, he red her file before. He just wished he could help her. 

She saved his back more times then he could count. Without her a lot of missions would have failed but here he was failing her. 

After she was electrocuted the doctor left but kept her tied to the table. Natasha was still shaking from the electricity. She was sweating too, and the cut on her head looked green and infected. 

"This can't be good" Steve thought to himself. 

All of a sudden Natasha stopped shaking. She went still for a few seconds until out if no where she started fighting against the binds. She was gonna injure herself if no body stopped her. Steve could hear her mumbling something about needing to get out. 

"Natasha, Nat, listen to me. You need to come down, please just come down." Steve said trying to knock some sense into her.

It seemed to work for a few seconds, but after that she started up again. "Your not real" she muttered

"Tasha, it's me Steve, cap. I'm here, I'm real okay. Just come down so  
I can help you please." 

That seemed to work long enough for her to realize that he wasn't lying.

"Steve, I-I'm so sorry"

"Sorry about what?"

"I never meant to drag you into my past, this is my battle, not yours."

"Hey, listen to me, this isn't your fault okay. Were both gonna be fine and make it out of here, alive." 

Steve wasn't sure if he said that to convince her if himself more. If only he knew that Natasha had already given up because she knew what was coming next.


	5. Broke

She remembered her first kill like it happened yesterday. She was nine, had been in the Black Widow program for four years almost. They ordered everyone in a musty room and locked the doors. Through speakers they told everyone to kill until there was only one winner left. Natasha was the smallest but she was the fastest. The girl was her friend. She snapped her neck without a second thought. There were so many bodies, so much blood. At first she knew something felt wrong, that kids weren't supposed to kill. But then the headmaster came in and congratulated her and told her that her service was helping Russia rise to power. Natasha felt not sad, or odd she felt proud and she'll never forgive herself for allowing herself to stoop so low. 

She was snapped out of her thoughts when she smelt smoke. All of a sudden it was like she was back at the fire that killed her parents. She could take the beatings and pain but she couldn't take this. She couldn't take reliving the last memory she had before everything went bad. Before she went bad. 

The smoke was filling her lungs and she couldn't breath. Natasha tried to calm herself down but that's when she saw her parents face. Her mom and the same red hair that she had and her dad had the same eyes. They were in so much pain and she was just watching it all happen. 

But this time instead of them begging her to get out they were yelling at her, telling her it was all her fault, how they expected more, how she failed them and her country. 

Natasha could feel the heat of the fire eat at her flesh but this time she felt a new kind of pain. It was a pain inside of her that felt like all the control slowly slipping threw the cracks, that were growing bigger every second. 

Just then Steve appeared, then Bruce, Clint, tony and Thor. They were all dying and it was all her fault. They were laughing at her telling her that she deserved this while getting buried by the collapsed building. 

Natasha screamed and screamed but no sound came out. She begged and begged but nothing mattered, she didn't matter either. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" she rasped out but it was too late for apologies,  
She was always too late.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Steve could see Natasha seizing on the table. He knew that she was hallucinating and it was because if the drugs but he didn't know how to help her. He had to wake her up but how?

He knew that the Avengers were looking for them, that was the only thing that gave him hope, but how much longer could they wait to be rescued? How much more could Natasha take before she finally broke, for good?


	6. Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure where I'm going with all of this but enjoy:)

Red, everything was red. The walls, the floor and it even looked like the air had turned red. It wasn't even a nice strawberry color, it was the color of blood, despair, and evil all mixed in one. Natasha hated this color; it reminded her too much of who she used to be, or maybe who she still was. 

Everything was a blur. All her memories were jumbled up and she wasn't sure what was real or not. This is what she feared all along. 

They were trying to torture her, make her remember her past, but worst of all turn her into the ruthless killer she once was. They were trying to get her back and there was nothing she could do about it. The baddest part was that they were succeeding.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Steve was finally able to break out if the hand cuffs. It would have taken him no time but they were magnetic and 100% steel. He ran over to Natasha as soon as he got up. She was still on the table, tied down and lost in her thoughts. 

"Nat wake up, I need you to wake up, please for me!" He practically begged her.

Steve Rogers wasn't one to beg for what he wanted but he had already lost too many people. Bucky, Peggy and he wasn't about to loose Natasha too. 

She started to stir, as she opened her eyes. She blinked a few times and when she finally looked at Steve she was different. Her eyes weren't focused and she seemed lost in her own head. It was like she was trapped inside by something else clouding her judgement. 

At that moment the doctor and the two men from before walked in. The doctor had a smirk on his face as he walked over to where Steve was standing. Steve just stood there trying to protect Natasha but he knew that there was no way out. 

"Ah mr. Rogers I see that you have escaped your cuffs. That's okay I suppose, there's no way out anyway"

"What to you want from us?" 

"I just want to take back what is mine." Said the doctor. 

He than walked up closer to Natasha and said something faint in thick Russian. She nodded her head, and the doctor looked pleased. 

After that he pulled out a phone and said "black widow reincarnation complete, permit all access and rehabilitation a go. Code Red is now active." 

"You see captain, you were never apart of my plan, you were simply collateral damage. But I'm glad you came along, it will make this a lot more interesting. After all, revenge is a bitch."


	7. Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy

She had no control over her own body. She wanted to fight she wanted to get out but she couldn't. It was worse than being tied down because she felt like she was being pulled back instead. 

Natasha could see Steve look at her, she could feel him shaking her, trying to get her to wake up but nothing mattered. She wanted to tell him that it wasn't personal, that she was sorry that he had to witness all this, but no words came out. 

Slowly she could feel her mind slipping. She could feel herself gradually giving into the drugs, becoming weaker and weaker against the unseen force urging her away from everything she believed in. Everything she changed for. 

"The red room needs help, I need to help them, for Russia, for the good of mankind" she thought. 

"No, this is bad, nothing's true. Dammit Natasha fight. Stop being weak" she thought after. 

"Steve's a target, he must be eliminated. Wait he's my friend. He can't be trusted. He'd risk his life for me."

It was an ongoing battle with herself that she knew she couldn't win. The odds were too low, the stakes too high. With her last but of hope she prayed that she would be the only one getting hurt. Not Steve, the other avengers, shield, just no one who didn't deserve it.

Natasha didn't want to give up, she didn't want the life she tried so hard to change, to make better, end doing the one thing she feared the most: going back to her old self, who she was truly made to be. But it was too late. Everything was coming to an end as she looked in Steve's eyes, the last thing that she was going to see before she was deprogrammed; she envied him. She was mad that he was given a second chance to do good. That he had a future. All Natasha had was a beating heart but no life to look forwards too. The only thing she looked forwards to was taking down the bastards that turned her into the monster she was. Take that away and what was left?

She wished that there was just a small chance that maybe things would work out and she could be saved again, but the chances were slim and Natasha Romanov never had the best track record with luck.

She heard Steve run over to her, the doctor come in, him whisper some code in her ear that she hasn't heard for ages now. But instead of fighting like she would have done, she agreed because she was done fighting, she was done trying to do good for a world that gave her so much crap. Natasha Romanov was done and it was time for a whole new problem to arise: The Black Widow 2.0, and she was their first sample.


	8. Worth it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to one of my good friends, whose amazing cd helped me write the vibe for this chapter, so thanks:). ENJOY!

There are some things in this world that you can't control, some things that you have no power over and people that can't be helped, and Steve knew that this was one of those moments. 

They were untying Natasha from the table, and Steve expected her to fight back, but she didn't. He wanted to scream at her, tell her to snap out of it, but even he knew some things weren't that easy. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He thought back to the time, before everything went wrong, when they were still just on a normal mission. They were on a stake out, watching the warehouse of some corporation that was supposedly dealing weapon across the border into Russia. Steve noticed that anytime mission involved Russia, or something of the past Natasha was always tense. It was no fun and all games around her. 

They were just sitting in the car, it had been roughly two hours of watching and waiting, but something was different with Natasha; she seemed a little lighter. 

"Hey Steve?" she asked. 

"What?" He said putting down the binoculars. 

"Thanks" 

"For what?" He said with a laugh.

"Thanks for just, this sounds silly, thanks for just treating me like I'm your equal, not just some pretty face." She said with a smile that reached her eyes.

"No problem, and you're not just some pretty face, you're beautiful". Said Steve. 'Dammit why'd I say that, I went to far, she's gonna think I'm a loser' he thought feeling like he was back in high school again. 

"Don't get to used to me there Steve, you should see what i look like in the morning" she said with a laugh. 

There was a comfortable silence when she said "when we get out of here, were going dancing, I don't care how much you protest, I'm teaching you how to dance before I die"

Steve was shocked at her proposal, but secretly he was a little happy. He couldn't deny that he loved a woman who pointed a gun at him. He should probably get therapy for that. "I'm not saying no, but I'm just saying if you get any broken toes it's on you" 

"Wouldn't be the worse thing to happen to me" she said with a smirk. 

That's when they got a call from SHIELD instructing them to infiltrate the warehouse, that's when everything went downhill. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He was snapped out of his thoughts when they started guiding him out of the room, with Natasha not to far ahead. There was no point in fighting, there were too many guards so he just followed them. 

They then told Natasha to guide him into a very dark room, like cell. When she touched his wrist to lead the way, her touch was surprisingly light, like she was holding herself back and even though her eyes were still like stones and her face cold, that was all he needed for some hope.

He knew that even Natasha was human, but he knew that she was still in there somewhere and that she remembered him. You can't help who you fall for but you can help who you fight to keep and Steve was determined to not give up on Natasha, she was worth it and they still had a dance to get to anyway.


	9. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably won't be posting a chapter tommorow so MERRY CHRISTMAS to everyone reading and please enjoy:)

Cold was all she felt. Not warmth or pain, though her head was killing her, just cold. She couldn't remember how she got here or what she was doing before all this. She felt like she had been awake this whole time, but bits and pieces were missing. All she knew was that she worked for Russia and she always has. 

'Then why does that man with blond hair look so familiar?' She thought to herself. 'He's an enemy, he's here because he's a threat the Russia, and that's what she has always done, she's always eliminated threats.' 

'Why is he staring at me like that, it's like he knows me. Did I meet him at an undercover mission, did I used to work with him? No that can't be it, I've always worked for the red room, from the day I was born till now. I was made to serve, to fight, to kill so why do I care about this man? Thoughts like this get you killed, they've got everyone I've always almost felt something for killed so why start now. After all these years of just doing my job, why do I feel like there's something more?'

She was just about to leave the man in his cell when he said something. "Natasha, why are you doing this?" 

"My name is Natalie and you have no right to talk to me"

"No, your names Natasha romanov, and you have been working for SHIELD for five years after you defected from the Red Room."

"You think you can play me, tell me what's right and wrong?" I've been played my whole life, and I'm not gonna let you do the same"

"I know your parents were killed in a fire when you were only a little girl. I know that the Red Room is the real enemy here, not me. And I'm positive that somewhere deep inside you, there's somebody who worked so hard to turn her life back on the right track and decided not to use her abilities to become a hero, but because it was the right thing to do. My name is Steve Rogers and I know that you know me too."

Steve Rogers, why did that name sound so familiar, why did her heart beat get a little faster when he mentioned that name, why did she suddenly feel dizzy? Why? 

She held onto the door knob for support, this was all to much, this all had to be some joke. This couldn't be real. 

"You keep talking like that and I won't have to kill you, you're do it to yourself" she said before walking out of the door needing to clear her head. 

Steve was left alone in a cell with no way out but he was surprisingly happy. He just had to get her to remember the good she's done and then remembering him would be easy, right?

Wrong.


	10. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but don't worry things  
> Are going to start picking up. Enjoy:)

Her hands were shaking, the walls were spinning, she had to get out of here. Was it a panic attack? No the black widow didn't get panic attacks. Well than what the hell was happening? Natasha ran into the nearest bathroom and locked the door. She slid down the door and sat with her arms around her legs and her head down.

She would be lying if she said that this never happened, but when it did it was never this extreme. 

"Steve Rogers, who the hell is he?" She whispered to herself. Why is everything so fuzzy, how did he know so much about me, how does he know me? She thought to herself. 

Just then flashbacks of New York, her fighting against people from another world, and she was doing it to protect people, appeared in her head. The red room doesn't protect people, they destroy things, not save them. The most troubling thing out of all of that was that she saw the man, Steve Rogers, fighting besides her. What the heck did you get yourself into? She thought. 

Her head felt like it was going to explode, she felt sick. She had to go find out what else the man knew. He was her only hope to find out what she forgot. She hated to admit it but she needed him alive, for now anyway.


	11. Fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really emotional and important chapter so please enjoy:)

Natasha was finally able to pull herself together enough to go ask Steve what he knew.

He was waiting in the cell for what felt like hours. Steve knew that she would come back, he knew Natasha, he knew that she didn't like not knowing things, not being in the loop. He just didn't expect her to come in so uncollected. On the outside she looked like the Black Widow, no expressions, no emotions, just business. But in her eyes he could see just how distraught she really was. It made him think 'how many times can someone be made and unmade until they finally snap, until they can't take it anymore?'

Natasha walked in and sat in the metal chair across from him. Her face was neutral but her hands were clenching the metal chair and her knuckles were ghost white. It looked like she was holding onto the chair to keep herself from exploding.

"You say that you know who I am, so please tell me why that is so?" She said with a calm but slightly edgy voice.

"Like I told you, you work for a cooperation called SHIELD and do good. I meant you after aliens attacked New York and we worked together with a group called the Avengers. We were on a mission when things went upside down and we were both taken here, where you got brainwashed in believing that you work for these people again." Steve said trying to inform her of all the details.

"How can I know that you telling the truth?" She asked.

"You can't but I swear it is, what would I benefit from lying to you? I know that none of this seems fair but...." 

"Fair, you think you have the right to tell me what's fair or not? Ill tell you what's not fair. What's not fair is being a little girl who was taking from her home to train to kill. What's not fair is watching your friends die, especially when you were forced to kill some of them. Going on mission after mission just to prove that you're the best and when you fail you get punished to make you stronger. And what's really not fair is being a lost girl, who's not scared of the dark but is scared of what monsters lurk in it. Praying every night that the guards making sure no one leaves come into your room and tell you that everything is gonna be fine, that this is all part of training. And when you cry, tell them to stop, they tell you that all this is going to pay off, that it's gonna make you a better spy one day. But the truth is, it never really does, it just lessons your chance to ever be a normal kid. Instead of dreaming and imagining your future, you learn that your body is a weapon, that you're nothing unless you're working, killing and the worst part is that you start to think 'maybe I was nothing all along, maybe I deserve this, maybe this really is normal, and right and it happens to every little girl.' But it's not normal and it never was and it never will be. That's what's not fair, so don't you dare try to tell me what is or isn't." Natasha said with a slight tremble in her voice.

Steve knew that some bad things had happened to her in her past, but he never thought anything like this. How she could be so strong everyday, he had no idea but all he knew was that he felt like crap right about now. 

"Nat, I'm so sorry, I had no..."

"Don't, i can deal with all the other stuff. You learn to forget, move on and if you're lucky pretend that maybe it was all just some bad, bad dream, but some things are just harder to get over."

Steve looked into her green eyes and put his unchained hand over her shaky hand, giving it a slight squeeze. Her first instinct was to pull away, hell, shoot the guy for touching her, but when he put his hand on top of hers she didn't sense pity or shame, she felt an understanding. 

"I know that you probably don't believe me right now, I know I wouldn't, but you need to know that you proved to all the bastards that they were wrong, that no matter what happened in your past, you changed, you did good and you are good. I admire your strength, wit, and pretty much everything. Hell, I wish I could be have the person that you became, but I just need you to try to remember, not the red of blood but the red of a survivor, because you Natasha Romanov survived all this and you need to know that this is true." 

Natasha thought that she might be going crazy, but she actually believed him. She didn't know if it was his honest eyes, or his tone when he spoke of her, or how she was, but deep down her gut was telling her that he was telling the truth and she was not one to ignore her gut feeling.

"I-I believe you, you're just going to have to give me some time" she said.

Right at that moment three large guards burst into the cell. One of them held back Steve, while the other two grabbed Natasha and started pulling her out. 

"Get off me, you sons of bitches" she yelled and fought back but they were too strong. They punched her in the gut twice and the face once, knocking her out. Steve tried to get to her but it just got him punched in the face. 

They threw her over their shoulders like a piece of trash and were about to carry her out when Steve yelled "where are you taking her?"

That's when the doctor walked in. He said "well you see Mr. Rogers, it seems that you have gotten her to remember too much making me believe that the "medicine" wasn't strong enough at first. But don't worry there before I erase all her memories again, she's gonna have some fun, and you're gonna watch. And do you know why? It's because life isn't fair." 

They walked out of the room with Steve not to far behind them, wondering if it was worse to have lost love, or to never have loved at all.


	12. Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little brighter chapter, please enjoy;)

No one has a easy life. No matter how hard someone tries to make their life perfect, it just doesn’t work out that way. Sure you can have a good life, a great one if you're lucky, but that's up to you. It's easy to blame the world for the things that happened to you in your past, or the things that didn’t in the future, but that's just because when it comes down to it, it's really you against the world and the people that you come across, whether they be friends, or foes, are simply pawns in a huge game that you have no control over, one that you never did.

It would be easy for Natasha to blame everything for the life that she was cursed with, but it's hard to when it's the only thing that that you've ever known. To hate something you would have to have love to compare it to, and out of all the things in her life, love was not one of them. 

She thinks that maybe Steve loved her once. The way he looked into her eyes, not looking for something in return, just looking at her. Even if he did remotely feel something for how she was, he was in love with Natasha not Natalie and even the portion of her that he saw wasn’t half of what she hid. 

He was good inside and out, and compared to him she was road kill. Not even the kind that you feel bad for when you drive by the corpse, the kind that you don't take a second look at because it's too damaged. Even if some miracle occurred and she was able to remember the good she apparently accomplished, the lives she saved, no amount of deed could ever erase her ledger. She would never deserve him, and he was Capitan America for crying out loud. The irony of the situation was almost funny. A Russian spy falling for one of the noblest heroes in American history and vise versa. If Natasha wasn’t tied to a metal table with a bunch of equipment surrounding her, fighting for her life, she might actually have laughed. But again what life was she really fighting for? What life did she have on the line?

It's easy to dream, to wonder what could have happened if she never turned into a spy. She often wondered what her family was like, if they loved her and if maybe she loved them too, but it was difficult to imagine a feeling that you weren't even sure you were capable of.

Sure she wanted to live, no one truly wants there life to end, they just want the pain to stop. They just have the hope that maybe something greater is out there. That maybe earth is the real hell and death is the heaven but Natasha wasn’t sure she even had that relief. It was just getting harder and harder to remember what she was wanted to live for. She was thinking of giving up just letting the bad guys win, because in all honesty the odds were never in her favor. But then she thought of Steve and how she probably would never be good enough for him, and maybe that was her will to live. To make herself better not just for him but for herself too, because she deserved a chance at happiness. Everyone does.

So as she laid, tied down to a rusty, blood stained metal table trying to hold onto every last bit of memory that she could salvage, her only goal was once she got out of here, wasn’t to wipe out her ledger, it was to start over, because she deserved at least a chance at happiness. After all, she did have something, or someone to look forwards to, she jus hoped she stayed alive long enough to see him again. To get a chance to say goodbye, and maybe that was all she needed to be happy; someone to remember you once you're gone, a reason to be missed.


	13. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this really late but enjoy

Home. What really is the definition of a home? People say that it's where the heart is, but your heart often travels, sometimes it even gets lost in all the different rooms in a house and it gets walked over and buried under all the crap that we put in a house to make ourselves feel at home. Steve Rogers felt like his home was long gone and frozen. Everyone he ever loved were dead and throughout those seventy years trapped in ice, he felt like a piece of him had died too. He always felt out of place wherever he went. There were touch screen cell phones, mini laptops and so much more advanced technology the size of your hand. It wasn’t just that, it was the people too. They were so much more carefree, stupid almost. Putting everything out there, like they had nothing to loose, when in reality they did. Living lives so far from the ones that they worked to get. Things weren't black and white anymore, they were millions of colors and it was so hard to focus on just one.

That’s what made him connect to Natasha so well. They were both two people out of place, but still fighting for the same purpose. Life hadn't been too kind to the both of them, but they still managed to make it out okay. Sure they suffered a few scrapes and bruises but on the outside they looked fine. That was another differences between the 40s and the 21st century. Everyone is so judgmental in a time when everything is based plainly off of looks and perceptions instead of what's inside. Because when it came down too it they were both damaged on the inside, a piece was missing from both of them, but when he thought of Natasha, thought of his future, he could picture her being in it and that made him feel a little less empty, and a little more whole. 

People spend their whole life looking for a place to call home when in reality no one truly ever has one. Sure most people live in a house no matter the size but still feel lost. That's because your heart itself is the home, providing you not with the shelter to stop the rain from getting on you but to keep you warm, not with a heater, but with love, the small feeling of mattering to someone else. That frail feeling that makes you feel so important.

That’s why he felt so guilty right now. Him caring about Natasha got her to almost remember who she really was, who he was, which was probably going to get her killed. Even if she didn’t get killed, he knew that they were going to keep trying to erase her memories until she had nothing left. Memories are really just stories in your head, but they help you figure out who you are and without them is like starting from scratch. You have nothing to hold onto, nothing to think back to and nothing to remember except the fake ones they replace in your head. Was it worse to have bad memories, or none at all, he didn’t know, but all he knew for sure was that he wanted to make more memories with Natasha, whether they be bad or good, because at least he'd have her to make them with. 

When he looked at Natasha laying back on that table, being poked and prodded with god know what, and injected with needle after needle of poison and drugs. He made a decision that no matter what, he was not leaving this place alive without her. He didn’t think he could stand loosing someone else important. He couldn’t stand not seeing her mouth twitch just a tad whenever Tony told a stupid joke, or the way she never looked at Bruce as the Hulk, just as Bruce, and even the way she would slap Clint in the arm whenever he went too easy on her in the gym. The point was, he couldn’t live without her, so he was going to do whatever it took to get them both out of here and then he would worry about picking up the pieces later. Steve Rogers deserved a home and without her he might as well be homeless.


	14. Forgive-not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost at 300 hits. Hope you enjoy this chapter, it was kind of complicated to write and please comment below your thoughts so far:)

It's really easy to get attached to things, but it's even easier to loose them. It's easy to feel and then get hurt. But do you want to know the one thing it's never easy to do? It’s never easy to forgive. Forgiveness is so hard to do because as people we find it so hard to put ourselves in other peoples shoes and wonder how they would feel, how they could do that, why they would do that? Some people think forgiveness is a way to move on, get past, get over, but it's really hard to get past something when everyday of your life you keep reliving it. 

Natasha Romanov was in no means ready to forgive the people who turned her into this; a monster. The people who took away any last chance of her having a childhood, preserving her innocence. She had no clue why people would want to turn children into killers. Her only explanation was that they were sick bastards. She didn’t think that she would ever be able to forgive them but maybe, just maybe she would be able to thank them for training her hard enough to be able to whoop their asses in the near future. 

At this point she couldn’t really even hear clearly. All the people talking around her, just sounded like muffled whispers all jammed together. She had tried to keep her eyes open for as long as possible because she knew that Steve was watching her and she couldn’t stand for him to see her weak. She didn’t care if she died as long as she went out trying to live, but it was so hard to bare through all the pain. It wasn’t even the physical pain that was torturing her the most. It was the mental pain, the confusion she felt about what was right or wrong, all the guilt and regret, but most importantly, it was the empty feeling that she couldn’t prevent from creeping in. 

When she thought and reflected back on her life, not once did she feel wanted. Sure, the Red Room needed her to work and to kill, but no one ever truly wanted her just for her. That's what made her so angry. The fact that she thought that everything she had done was okay. All those years that she ignored how she felt because the worst part of it all was that she didn’t even feel like she was important. She could have died anyway and it would have just been another casualty to add to the list. She wouldn’t have got a funeral, she wouldn't have even been buried, and worst of all, she wouldn’t have been missed. It would have been like all these years of doing nothing but what she was told, never mattered, like she never even existed. She could deal with the pain, but she didn’t think that she could deal with the burning agony in her heart and head every time she tried to remember the last time she mattered, and her thoughts came up blank.

All this made her think 'if I gave in right now, just stopped fighting all together, it wouldn’t even matter, I would just be another agent down. No one would cry at my funeral, or visit my grave and place a flower. No one would even celebrate my life, but I cant really blame them because I never really had one to begin with.' But then she thought of Steve and how much he would blame himself, and how guilty he would feel. How he would bury himself in the ground, trying to come up with answers and she couldn’t do that to him. Out of all the people she had hurt in her life, she didn't want him to be one of them. He couldn’t be one of them because he deserved too much, so the least she could do was make sure that she didn’t give up. 

She thought back to the conversation they had before all this crap. Most of it was a blur but she did remember one thing, she remembered asking him when the mission was over, to go dancing with her. After that she couldn’t remember whether or not he said yes or no. So the first chance she got, whether she was getting out of this situation or taking her last breath, she was going to ask him what his answer was, because maybe, just maybe that was her chance at being wanted, being important. Because after all life really is a dance when you look at it.


	15. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote almost all of this chapter and than accidently deleted it in the process so I ended up staing up till 5am to re type and finish it. despite that all, I'm am really proud of this chapter even though I might pass out right now so ENJOY and COMMENT thoughts ples:)

There comes a point in everyone's life when time is just time. It's not the tool we use to establish when the morning, afternoon or night starts. It's not a stopwatch, it’s a timer and when your time is up, that’s it. 

Steve knew that Natasha was running out of time. He knew that the avengers were looking for them, he just didn’t know why it was taking them so long. The guards making sure that he didn’t try anything were becoming frisky. They wanted in on some of the fun and he was going to give them just that. As soon as they let their guard down he would take them out. It wasn’t much of a plan but what choice did he have. He knew that Natasha was strong, she wouldn’t have made it this far if she wasn’t, but he couldn’t stand watching her get beat. It was his job to protect her and keep her safe, but he was failing miserably. He would do anything to switch places with her but he knew she would rather be the one taking the fall. He just wondered how high someone cold fall before they crashed?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Natasha was flying, soaring high in the sky and she felt free. She couldn't feel any pain and at that moment she thought that that was a good thing. She could feel the wind in her eyes and the fresh air everywhere but then all of a sudden she started falling. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stay afloat. She was going down fast, like the way raindrops do during a thunderstorm except she wasn’t going to land peacefully. When she hit the ground, she was surprised to feel nothing still, despite that landing. She looed around her and noticed that she was in Russia and it was winter. There was white, sparkling snow covering the streets, and the only source of protection was the flickering street lights. 

She heard laughing coming from around the corner so she decided to see what it was coming from. As she neared, she decided to hide in the shadows to avoid being noticed. When she finally looked she saw a little girl with bright red hair that looked like the way fire does when you give it too much oxygen. On both sides of her holding her hands, were people who she assumed were her parents. To the girls right she could sense a feeling of protection radiating off of the father, though he remained calm. And to the girls left she could hear her mother humming an old Russian lullaby. The woman had similar hair to the little girls. They all looked so happy and like a perfect family, and Natasha envied them for that. 

There was a faint "Tick, Tock" in the background.

She went to turn around so that she wouldn’t be seen and as she looked up she was no longer on that street corner, she was in a dark room. She could see that same little girl again, along with a bunch of other girls, except this time she no longer looked happy. She looked scared, sad and alone. Her hair was a little less bright than it was the first time Natasha encountered her. She hid in the shadows and watched as the guards came in and took the girl out of the room and into another room with a chair. They forced her into it and tied her up. The people dressed up like doctors kept injecting her with things. The girl fought and fought but it wasn’t enough. She heard one of the doctors say "You wont want children anyway" and with that said Natasha closed her eyes because she couldn’t bare to watch any longer.

"Tick, Tock" a noise sounded from out of no where a little louder this time.

When Natasha opened her eyes she was in an alley way, in what appeared to be France. She saw the girl again but she was no longer little, she was a young women. Her hair was no longer the color of fire, but was the color of blood, and her eyes were shallow, like she was empty inside. The girl looked injured. She was limping, one of her hands was clutching her abdomen and she had a nasty cut oozing blood on her forehead. She was covered in scrapes and bruises but she still had some fight left in her. As the girl neared the dead end of the alley way, Natasha saw a man creep up behind her holding a bow and arrow. He cornered her and pointed an arrow at her heart.

She watched as the girl turned around and said "Go ahead kill me."

The archer then responded "Do you want to die?"

"I've got no reason to live and nothing to loose so take the shot."

"You've got some hell of a skill set, hate to see that go to waste." 

"Just shoot me now if you're going to use me as some lab rat."

"I was going to offer you a job working for the good guys for a change, you want in?" the archer said as he lowered his weapon and stuck out his hand.

The girl looked hesitant but than reached for his hand as he said "The names Clint, Clint Barton by the way." 

"Tick, Tock" the sound boomed out of the blue, louder than the last.

Natasha sat in the shadows seeing things flash before her eyes. The one thing all these visions had in common was the same girl with red hair. She watched her have a fierce battle in New York against aliens from another dimension, and do good. She watched her meet a man named Steve Rogers, who although she hated to admit it, was a pretty amazing man. Natasha saw the way he looked at that girl, like he owed her the world, even though she never did anything to deserve his admiration. She watched the girls bond grow with each team member and she saw her learn to trust again. But most importantly she watched the light return back into the girls eyes, like the way she was on the winter streets in Russia as a little girl who was happy. With each vision the "Tick, Tocks' got louder and louder until she watched the girl and that man named Steve go into a building on a mission and never came out.

Right then she saw herself, laying on a metal table all broken and battered. She could see Steve in the other room fighting off the guards swiftly. She saw the determination in his eyes but also the passion behind everything else. When she looked into her eyes all she saw was blank. She saw all the doctors packing up their equipment and getting ready to leave. She even saw the bomb that was attached to her with 12 minutes to spare, and counting down. But no matter how hard she looked, she didn’t see the girl. That girl was lost and long gone and she knew that was true. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to prepare herself to enter back into reality. She reminded herself one last time of her goal not to get anyone one else hurt, even if that meant dying herself. It was a risk that she was willing to take, and she accepted that this was how it was going to end, because Natasha Romanov was out of time. Well she always did want to go out with a bang. The last thing she wondered was if death was like a dance too?

 

Tick. Tock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably wont get a chapter up tomorrow cause of NEW YEARS so happy 2013 and stay safe.


	16. Surprise again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really unhappy with the first version of chapter 16 so I rewrote most of the parts in this. I felt as though it didn't capture the seriousness of the situation but also the badass Natasha is. Please enjoy and i hope you all like this one better:)

Life is really weird. You spend the first part of your life learning facts to be able to work for the remainder of your life and by the time you're finally able to relax, you're almost dead anyway. It's mainly work than die, and whatever happens in between is either good or really bad. Steve could pretty much say that the situation he was in was really bad.

He kept watching and watching the doctors doing stuff t Natasha, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, but then all of a sudden the doctors just stopped working and started packing up. He was confused, Natasha was still tied down onto the table, so they obviously didn’t succeed in deprogramming her yet, so why the hell were they stopping? Something was wrong. He strained his eyes to look closer at Natasha and that's when he saw it. There was a bomb attached to her. A bomb! He had to act fast. One of the guards walked in front of him and kneeled down.

"It looks like this parties over, and your little girlfriend over there is going to go boom" the guard said with a smirk.

That's when the second guard came over too. "Trust me, we're doing you a favor. I've heard stories about that one and you do not want to be with that screwed up bitch. I'm not saying I wouldn’t want to hit that because look at that body, but I try to stay away from the crazy ones" he said and both the guards started laughing.

The anger inside Steve was boiling. If he couldn’t save her the least he could do was protect her name. With that head butted the first guard in front of him, stood up with the chair still attached to him and broke the chair on him. The other guard reached for his gun and was able to shot Steve in the leg but he wasn’t stopping. Steve tackled him and wrestled the gun out of his hand, allowing him to shoot him in the chest twice. He than kicked open the door leading to where Natasha was and wasn’t prepared for the horror he saw before his eyes.

There was blood everywhere. On the floor, the walls but that wasn’t the worst of it. As he walked closer to her he noticed that she was barely conscious. There were bruises covering almost every inch of her body and she looked in a lot of pain. He couldn't believe they just left her here to die. When he walked in closer to her he saw her eyes start to focus despite her black eye. 

"They couldn't make me forget" she mumbled to no one in particular.

Steve shook her lightly to get her more alert and said "Nat, we need to get out of here, okay, just keep your eyes open.

"I'm not going anywhere, can't let you take all the credit" she said ashamed of how weak her voice sounded.

Steve was a little worried about the way she was so positive at a time like this. Normally she would probably be swearing or hitting Clint, but she was making jokes.

"Well don't just stand there, get this bomb of me" she said trying to grin but it came out as more of a grimace.

There was a bomb attached to her and she knew that her chances were slim but she couldn't let Steve see her weak, not if this was going to be the last time he would ever see her. She didn’t believe in god but if there was one right now, she was praying that maybe he would give her a second chance. Even if it meant a chance to say goodbye.

"Any chance you know how to disarm this thing?" He asked, but Natasha couldn't hear him because all of a sudden she felt really dizzy.

"You need to get them out of here" she said as loud as she could muster, trying to get off the table but it just ended in pain, she was still tied.

"Who do I need to get out of here?" Steve asked becoming even more worried because the bomb only had 8 minutes left.

"The kids, the program, you-you need to save them a-and leave, this is my fault I couldn't save her." 

"Nat there's no kids here, the black widow program ended ages ago."

"She's gone I couldn't save her."

"Who couldn't you save?"

"The girl, she was hurt and i just watched." 

Why was she acting like this, there was no girl. Natasha was getting paler by the second and all the confidence that Steve once had was long gone.

"Tasha, listen to me, I'll save her I'll save the girl, just hold still so I can figure this out."

"St-Steve, there's not enough time, you need t-to go now and, are you shot?"

"I'm fine just wait, we have enough time please..."

"Listen to me. I-I can't feel my legs, I am probably running off of adrenaline and your shot, if you don't go now we're both screwed."

"Tasha, I can get you out of here just.."

"I can deal with all the other stuff I've done in my past, but if I'm the reason you die, I-I don't think I could handle that. You're Captain America, the world needs you, I'm just a spy. So please leave for me." she said practically begging him.

"Look, I don't care how stubborn you try to act, I'm not leaving you behind, I don't care what you say, I don't care if you hate me for it, you are not dying today, not without me anyway. We have a dance to attend and I'd rather it be sooner than later so shut up and let me disarm this bomb." he said.

There was five minutes left on the clock.

'Okay so there's a box, if i open that and cut the red wire and twist the blue one with the yellow one and attach the green one to where the red one was, it might just work' he thought to himself, though he wasn't completely sure it was correct because the last time he disarmed a bomb it was 1939.

If there was a more appropriate time to use the term "YOLO" which was a word that he heard was really popular on the twitter, than now might be the time. Well in his case he kind of lived twice after the whole ice thing but that didn't matter now. All that mattered was getting   
Natasha out of here.

As he did the last step, he heard Natasha groan and he cringed, bracing himself for impact. Surprisingly he actually did it right and nothing blew up in the process, with just 1 minute to spear. 

He than quickly undid Natasha's binds and lifted her up into his arms. She didn't even protest or complain that she was fine, so he knew this was bad. After picking her up he noticed more blood.

"You're going to be okay, just hold on" he said more to reassure himself at the moment.

Steve was just about to make a move towards the door, ignoring the pain in his leg when Dr. Hellosh walked in looking crazier then ever. He had a gun in one hand and detonator in the other. Steve froze and instinctively held Natasha a little tighter.

"You move and I'll blow this whole place to the ground!" he said and probably for the first time in his life, he was not lying.


	17. Winner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Intense chapter, enjoy and review:)

"You move and I'll blow this whole place to the ground!" Said the doctor, and that was all it took for Natasha to open her eyes a little wider. They were this close to escaping but things never really do have happy endings do they. She wanted so badly to give in to the eternal sleep awaiting her, but she knew she was the only one that could talk the doctor out of this and she couldn't leave Steve to pick up her mess.

"Put the gun down and we can talk about this" said Steve.

"No! You put her down and your hands up. I'm in charge." He responded grasping the gun a little tighter. 

Steve did as he was told and gently set down Natasha, so that she was leaning against the rusty table for support. They made eye contact for a brief second and Steve recognized one emotion in her eyes, that he's never scene before. It was fear. 

Steve took a step forwards and said "look, she needs to get to a hospital, just let her go and than we can talk. I'll do anything you want."

"You'd really risk your life for her?" Said the doctor.

"I know she would do the same for me."

"You just don't get it do you? She's nothing but a tool, she doesn't deserve to be loved. She was made for one purpose only and that was to serve the Red Room. You can try as hard as you want but she will always be broken."

"Well I guess I'll just have to help pick up the pieces."

"Can you pick up so many pieces captain! I know your a super soldier and everything but even you can only save so many people." 

Natasha knew that Steve had no response to that so she took that as her cue. She knew that Steve was gonna hate her for this but she had no choice. She's never scene the doctor so uncollected before. There was no way this was ending well. She had to give him what he wanted.

She stood up a little straighter, still leaning against the table for support and said "Steve he's right. It's too late for me to be saved. I'll never care for you the way that you might for me and I never have. We're too different. I'm just here to do my job, not babysit you and I don't need you to rescue me." She meant none of it, but she had to sound convincing, she had to get him to get out of here.

She saw the hurt in her eyes and in that moment she felt the real pain. Not the one in her legs or head, the one in her heart. She felt it break slowly piece by piece and be replace with something cold.

"I told you captain, all of this is one big lie. It's a joke and you were unlucky enough to end up in the middle of it all" said the doctor with a smirk. 

Natasha looked at the doctor and said "now let him go and I'll come with you and you win." 

"Nat don't do this" said Steve.

She ignored him but on the inside she was dying. 

"Well you see Natalie, as nice as that offer is, that's not what I'm here for. I want to see you beg for your life." The doctor said and shot Steve in the shoulder.

"No!!!!" Natasha screamed and tried to push him out of the way but her legs failed her and she fell to the ground helplessly.

The doctor then walked slowly over to Natasha while pulling a knife out of his pocket. 'This is it this is the end' she thought to herself.

He leaned over her and said "beg for your life and I'll show you some mercy."

"I would b-but you have no mercy to show."

"You always were a smart girl." He said as he stabbed Natasha in the palm with his knife.

Steve could hear Natasha scream from across the room and for some reason that gave him the strength to stand up and tackle the doctor. 

They fought for a few seconds but Steve was able to get the upperhand. He punched him one last time and got up to get to Natasha, without checking his pulse.

He quickly helped her up, supporting her with one of his arms around her waist. They were just about to open the door when Steve heard a gunshot go off and Natasha collapse in his arms.

He turned around just in time to see the doctor say "I always win" as he put a bullet in his head.


	18. Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left!!!!! Hope you enjoy this one and sorry for all the feels.(Not really) comment your thoughts below:)

Natasha was shot, but somehow Steve felt more pain. He felt the pain of guilt, regret and in that moment he wish he'd been shot too, because he didn't want to live a day without her. 

He kneeled on the ground and tried to put pressure on the bullet wound right in the center of abdomen. 'Did the bullet hit any organs, how much blood can a person loose?' Were just a few of the many questions spewing in his brain. 

As soon as he put his hands on her wound she groaned in pain. Her breath was jagged. 

"St-Steve?" She choked out.

"I'm here nat, I'm write here and I'm not going anywhere." He said bringing his face closer to hers.

"I-I didn't mean it" she said before erupting in a coughing fit. 

That's when he noticed the blood on the side of her mouth. Internal bleeding. 

"I know, it's okay, you're gonna be okay" he said wiping the blood off the corner of her mouth with his thumb. 

Natasha didn't want to leave Steve, not like this but she was in so much pain. It was getting harder and harder to breath and her vision was being replace with black dots. She just wanted a little more time.

"Steve I-I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, you're so strong, stronger than I ever will be. Just keep your eyes on me" he said noticing that her eyes were becoming unfocused, glazed over with pain. 

"Pr-promise me that you'll move on." She said finding it harder to concentrate on everything around her.

"I can't make any promises, but I will try" he said with a teary voice.

Her shaky, blood stained hand slowly touched his cheek and that's when she knew. She may have been sitting in a puddle of her own blood, in the very place that created her, but in this moment Natasha knew that people would miss her, that people did care about her and she was wanted. Her name might not make it on the news or posters but it would be remembered in the hearts of those who cared about her, those who she owed everything to and those she would miss the most. 

When she first came to SHIELD she felt like a outcast. But now looking into Steve blue orbs she knew that she was apart of something good, something worth it. She may not have won the perfect life, but she certainly didn't loose.

Natasha wanted to say goodbye to Steve, she wanted to say how much she cared about him and how he would be her worst regret but she couldn't. She couldn't because she knew that he already knew that. She could tell by the way he looked at her, the way he treated her and most importantly the way he trusted her, even when it took her a while to trust him back. 

As the pain in her chest went numb and her surroundings went dim she looked into his eyes and said "I'm going to haunt your sorry ass." 

A single tear rolled down her cheek as she shut her eyes for the last time, but it was a tear of happiness because she may not of wiped out all the red in her ledger but she replace it with the red of something else, the red of the love she never thought she would deserve. 

She didn't believe in heaven but she did believe in peace and maybe she would finally find something close to that. She took her last breath and thought not of what she was leaving behind but what she was gaining. She wasn't giving up, she was letting go.

The last thing she recalled was being lifted into Steve's arms before finally giving into to the everlasting sleep that awaited her.

When one door closes, another opens, but maybe just maybe this door wasn't quite ready to shut all the way yet.


	19. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School starts tomorrow and I really wanted to get this chapter up. I know i said this would be the last one but I lied. There's one more chapter left and it's gonna be interesting. I'll hopefully get it up either MONDAY night or Tuesday. Enjoy this one and review:)

Death is strange. When people die their loved ones cry but normally it's not for the deseased. People cry because they'll never get to see that person again, talk to them, touch them. We cry to make ourselves feel better not the other way around. 

Each avenger was sitting in the hospital waiting room with a different emotion pooling inside them, but none of them were crying.

Bruce was angry. He was always angry, but this time he was furious. He was mad that it took them so long to find Steve and Natasha. 'I'm a god damn scientist and I couldn't do anything helpful enough to save them in time' he thought to himself. He remembered when he hulked out on her in the helicarrier, and even though he nearly killed her, she treated him no different. They both had a monster inside of them, his was a little more out there, but they both were struggling with inner demons and because if that she was one of the few people he could talk to for help. He would miss that the most about her.

Next to him was Tony. Tony felt anxious. They've all been sitting in the waiting room for 2 and a half hours with still no news. The waiting was killing him. Tony stark was a lot of things but patient was not one of them. 'With all this technology it still wasn't good enough to find them before everything went to hell' he thought. He remembered when he first meant Natasha when she was undercover at Stark Enterprise. Without her he probably would have died, without her a lot of people would have died. He would miss calling her red, or hitting on her just too make her angry. She always kept him in check despite what an asshole he could be and he would miss that the most.

Next to tony was Clint. Clint felt guilty. He felt guilty that he wasn't there to take the fall. He was her partner, she was like a sister to him and he just let her get hurt. He always swore to her that she would be safe, that the Red Room was long gone, but he was wrong. She trusted him and he failed her. He would do anything to go back and trade places with her but it was too late. 'I don't know how i'll be able to go to to work if she dies, shes helped me through everything, and I couldn't be there the one time she needed me the most' he thought. He remembered cornering her in that ally way in France. He had orders to kill her but he saved her instead. All this time he thought that she was in his debt but really it was the complete opposite. She made him a better man everyday, she taught him that he can come back from something terrible and he would miss her smile after she kicked his ass in the gym or the way she proved everyone wrong, the way she continued to prove him wrong.

Next to Clint was Thor. Thor was sad. He was sad that he was a god but even his powers couldn't save her in time. He didn't know Natasha very long but for a human she sure did have some skill. He remembered the day she out tricked the trickster, his brother. The way she fought with such a passion that would make the finest warriors in Asgard proud. Thor was sad because someone as good as her shouldn't die, they should be praised and worshipped, but she just stood behind the scenes. He would miss the light like thunder that he would see in her eyes before a battle, her will to fight not for the greater good, but because it was good and he would make sure no one would ever forget her.

Right next to Thor, slouched down in a chair, with his head in his hands was Steve. He got all bandaged up when he got to the hospital, not like he needed to anyway because if the serum, but he still ached. The same moment kept flashing through his head.

"I'm going to haunt your sorry ass"  
Said Natasha. 

He didn't quite expect her to say that but he didn't expect anything less. There was so much blood and he didn't know what to do. Her eyes slowly closed as a tear rolled down her cheek and he panicked. She couldn't die, not yet, it wasn't her time. 

Without thinking he lifted her up in his arms and ran as fast as he could out the door. He had no idea where he was going but he didn't care. He wasn't doing to let Natasha die in a place so terrible and evil as this place. She deserved so much more. 

He got to a stair case and just kept running up and up the steps, loosing count on how many floors he went up. His leg and shoulder were throbbing but he ignored it because his will to get her out of here was stronger. 

The next thing he knew, he was outside on a roof and a helicopter was there waiting. He didn't know whether it was good luck or a miracle but he didn't care. Steve ran to the helicopter faster than he's ever run before and as soon as he boarded it took off. Clint and Bruce were already on it. Thor and tony were fighting inside the building. 

"She needs medical attention" Steve said out of breath while he gently place Natasha on the gurney. 

Bruce took control covering her open wounds and hooking her up to a heart and lung machine. 

"I don't have enough equipment, we need to get to a hospital ASAP" said Bruce in his doctor voice, as the pilot sped up.

"What the hell happened out there?" Asked Clint. 

"You don't want to know" said Steve. 

Right after he said that Natasha began to flatline. Bruce shocked her and she came back, but it was a close one. 

The rest of the ride was silent minus the faint beeping of the heart machine. The ride seemed to take forever before they finally got to the nearest hospital.

Doctors and nurses came in and wheeled Natasha out and into surgery. Steve faintly remembered being patched up but it was all a blur.

Now here he was waiting to be told whether Natasha was alive or dead. He wished he felt sad or angry but all he felt was numbness. He couldn't stop thinking of her and her eyes and face and voice. They were both people out of time and with her around he didn't feel so alone but if she died he-he didn't even want to think about that. Steve couldn't pick a specific thing he would miss about her the most because the truth was he would miss everything. He knew that sounded cheesy but it was the truth. All he knew was that he would always remember her for everything that she was, because she was everything to him.

Steve was pulled out of his thoughts when a doctor walked out looking exhausted, the once white scrubs were now red and he had a strange look on his face and Steve couldn't figure out wether it was good news or bad news.

The doctor said something and then time seemed to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *evil laugh* cliff hanger!!!! Will I kill her? I don't know, you'll just have to read the next one to find out;)


	20. The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's it folks, this story has come to a end. This is my first fic ever and I was really happy about the outcome. I'd like to thank everyone for reading and if anyone wants to comment requests for future fics, feel free to do so. I do plan to write more in the future but will probably be taking a little break till then. Please enjoy this chapter and thanks for sticking with me:)

It's funny how one word can pave the pathway to what you do in your future; who you are, and who you become. Why do people hold so much value to one simple word, no one knows. Perhaps it's because we like to believe that things are better than they seem; that there's more than one meaning behind one word, but not this time. This time it was just one word, but one word was enough.

"She's alive" said the doctor and everyone took a breath in, to make sure they weren't dreaming.

"It was touch and go for a while but we were finally able to stop the bleeding and repair her lung. There's a lot more damage though, but in time that should heal. One of you men can see her if you'd like." 

They all looked at Steve. Normally he would blush but all he wanted to do was see her; hold her hand and make sure that she really was okay. Steve got up and almost ran into the room she was in a few halls down. 

When he got there he had to stop. Natasha was laying on a white bed, she had a breathing tube inserted in her mouth and a bunch of bruises beginning to fade. He could see that she was bandaged around her stomach. The only sound was of the heart monitor in the background. She looked so small, so fragile. 

Steve took a few steps forward and sat down in the plastic chair besides her bed. He took her hand into his and held it ever so lightly; scared that one wrong move would break her. That's when she started to move and her heart rate increased. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Natasha could feel someone touching her hand, snapping her out of a restless sleep. She felt all drowsy and her stomach really hurt, but she couldn't remember why. Panic started to rise up in her, so she tried to open her eyes. Her eyelids felt so heavy, like she had no control. She kept trying and finally was able to open them all the way. 

At first she saw only white. But as her vision began to clear a worried Steve Rogers came into view. He looked down at her and she looked back.

Doctors rushed in and took the breathing tube out of her mouth, and Steve got her a drink of water.

"Am I dead?" She asked hoarsely.

He let out a small chuckle and said "No, you're too stubborn to die."

"W-why does my stomach hurt?"  
She said, moving her hand down, feeling the bandage.

"You were shot." Steve said with the worry back in his eyes.

That's when it all hit her. The mission, the Red Room, brainwashing, needles and pain, so much pain. She felt sick. Steve noticed her go pale and quickly got her a bucket, in which she vomited in.

He held her hair back and as she finished. Natasha laid her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. 

"Did I kill anyone?" She asked quietly.

"No" said Steve as she let out a relieved sigh. 

"Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine, it was you we were all so worried about"

"I'm okay, j-just tired" she said as she slowly fell back asleep. 

When she woke up again it was darker and Steve had his head down, with one of his hands still holding hers. He looked up and smiled. 

"Good morning" he said.

"It's the middle of the night" she said and tried to laugh but it hurt so she stopped.

"I faintly remember promising you a dance, so before these pain meds wear off, how bout you help me up and we can get on it." She said.

Steve knew that it probably wasn't the best time for this, but he couldn't resist the look on her face so he stood up and lifted her off of the bed, careful not to hurt anything.

 

Her feet weren't touching the ground, and Natasha didn't think she had ever danced worse in her life but she also never thought that she would be this happy dancing. Her head was on Steve's shoulder and his arms were warped around her gently. She was wearing a hospital gown and he was in sweats, but she couldn't have asked for anything more. Faint music was playing in the background, with the steady beep of the heart machine and Natasha felt like she was flying. 

"You told me you didn't know how to dance" she said with her head still on his shoulder.

"I guess I just never had the right partner" he said looking down at her.

She tried to hide her blush and said "Your so cheesy" with a laugh, but then groaned when her stomach moved.

Without a word Steve slowly set her down back on the hospital bed, and sat right down next to her.

Normally Natasha would feel weak, but right now she only felt cared for. She looked up at him as he looked down and he leaned in for a kiss, with is free hand moving to cup her face. It was gentle and sweet but they pulled back when her heart machine started beeping rapidly.

"When i get out of here we are going to have a real dance" she said with a smirk and he laughed.

There was a long journey ahead of them but that was okay because she finally had someone to help her through it. She remembered the red of her past, the red of her actions, but now she remembered something else too. She remembered the red of being wanted and cared for and finally happy. She may never heal 100% but at least now she had a reason to try, to fight.

She looked into Steve's eyes, and he squeezed her hand and that's when Natasha figured it out. She figured out that life isn't a dance nor is death. It's love and if this is what it felt like, she wanted to dance forever.

Not everything has happy ending but it doesn't mean they don't have good times. Times worth remembering and cherishing, times like today.

Thanks for the memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment and thanks for all the support:)

**Author's Note:**

> Plan to be updating frequently, just bare with me; I get distracted easily:)


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